1x1 - Romance

January 24, 1996

Rayleen says her height-challenged husband maybe a midget, but he's not all small. Mrs. Noh Nang Ning compares love to a donut. Virginia Bugge reveals the identity of her most exciting lover – a horse. Hope fantasizes about a man at a coffee shop while trying to study. Chic says LA women are shallow and are only after money, that's why he came to NY, to become a chick magnet (that's the origin of his name). Fern's husband is at the hospital recovering from a heart attack, and she keeps babbling about the Chinese acrobats they must see and wander about their lives. Professional golfer Midge Dexter and Chris Warner, her ""nutritionist"", go through a tough time on their closeted relationship because Midge doesn't want to go public yet. When Midge makes the final putt Chris kisses her and a few other golfers take the opportunity to do the same. Linda Granger, who's had 4 husbands, asks who needs men afterall.

1x2 - Charity

January 31, 1996

Janie Pillsworth reveals she exchanges food for poems with the ATM homeless man because his poems are a sure hit on her magazine. Hope unfortunately can't talk at the moment because she lost her voice doing reading for the blind. Fern decides to throw a fundraiser party for a disease, but Harry gets a call saying their disease I now curable. Fern is upset because next year they'll have to pick an incurable disease. Linda Granger decides to run a documentary about AAAH - Aged Animal Actors Home -, run by Rayleen and Mitch Gibson. Linda introduces several handicapped animals until she realizes her little dog was eaten. Kay Clark decides to help a starving Viet vet offering him work. He ends up stealing her mother's amphetamines – which were really very potent laxatives – to sell on the streets.

1x3 - Nostalgia

February 7, 1996

Janie Pillsworth is too busy for nostalgia. Mrs. Noh Nang Ning is nostalgic about TV shows with talking objects/animals. Kay Clark misses the days when there was only one Metamucil flavor. A Russian family misses the old Soviet Union days. Trevor Ayliss feels nostalgic about the swinging 70's, when a bathhouse was more like a ""gay chicken soup with dumplings"". Ruby Romaine talks about ""Safari"", an epic movie which was never finished due to the mysterious death of the recently-hired co-lead. Erin remembers the sixties – a decade she never really lived. Chic misses the disco era.

1x4 - Royalty

February 14, 1996

Rayleen questions if numbers are the most precise way to identify a royalty. She defends using referable phrases such as ""Henry the Serial Killer"" instead of Henry IV. Fern thinks Steve and Eydie are real royalty. Kay is a victim of a con artist who claimed to be the last son of the King of Albania. But was he really? Ruby doesn't have nice things to say about Grace Kelly and Prince Rainier's marriage. Sydney Kross offers her services to Lady Di. Hope remembers American royalty – Elvis, Larry King, B.B. King, etc. Virginia Bugge and her husband plan a party for Her Royal Highness. The party is a failure and Her Royal Highness only leaves to watch the X-Files. Virginia is devastated, but the Queen's assistant says she loved the party, where she could make everyone miserable – just what she enjoys. Trevor remembers an episode with Princess Diana's entourage. Linda Granger says she'd make everyone cancer-free if she ruled the world.

1x5 - Family

February 21, 1996

Fern says she'll never pressure her daughter to have children. She had and it ruined her life. Virginia Bugge still believes in corporal punishment. Kay is still following her mother's advice not to marry men because they kill you after they do nasty things to your downstairs area. Rayleen says she and her husband aren't ready to have kids yet and make everything possible to make sure that doesn't happen. Sydney thinks being a ""Big Sister"" is a great thing during trials that aren't going well. Chic has a fight with his brother for selling him bad food ‘n drinks. Mrs. Noh uses cheap techniques to make sure her niece wins the ice skating competition. Ruby remembers her large parents. Trevor is asked by his fellow flight attendant friend Leann to father her child after she sees him taking such good care of passenger Janie Pillsworth's children. Trevor doesn't want to betray his partner Barry, but ends up doing Leann the favor. The Rosenthals are looking for a condo. They don't want a fami

1x6 - Law

February 28, 1996

Mrs. Noh Nang Ning says she once had a problem when a customer ate a finger donut. But it never went too far – no evidence left. Hope says some girls were caught shoplifting, but might be doing it again – a professor's hairpiece has gone missing. Sydney Kross represents an exotic dancer who's suing a vender machine owner because she sat on hot soup. Ruby wants her son to injure himself on purpose so they can make a few bucks on a supermarket. Fern and Harry Rosenthal have a disturbing weekend helping the police bust a suspect drug dealer who turns out to be a secret narcotics agent undercovered.

1x7 - Vanity

March 6, 1996

Chic says he likes to look good for the ladies. Harry buys license plates for Fern that say ""4N"" and she doesn't like it because they sound more like ‘foreign' than ‘Fern'. Virginia Bugge says Americans are vain and think the show is about them. Kay tries to dress up as bridesmaid for a wedding, but her mother has a fake emergency that ruins her plans. Mrs. Noh Nang Ning says vanity is like the colored sprinkles you put on donuts – good show, no taste. Ruby says the men she has worked with are twice as vain as the women. Sydney is obsessed with her new do and even use it to win a case. Trevor tells the story about the time he met a plastic surgeon and when Linda Granger's implants burst in the plane. Janie tries to direct a fashion show from a war zone in Bosnia. Mb>Rayleen doesn't like having to wear breast pads when she has to roll down the stairs. Linda has had a lot of work done. But she'd rather think of it as restoration process.

1x8 - Death

March 13, 1996

Trevor says what he does when a passenger dies in the air. Mrs. Noh Nang Ning says death is like a donut – you are born and die with the same characteristics. Virginia

1x9 - Health

March 20, 1996

Kay hasn't been sick in over 15 years due to all the potions her mother makes her take. Chic thinks it's better to pump chicks than iron. Sydney is forced by her partners to take a vacation and goes to a spa, where she runs into Rayleen, Linda and Janie. Rayleen has slipped on a soap and injured herself. Linda has gotten drunk in public and Janie is having a mud bath. Sydney manages to convince all 3 into starting suits. So much for vacations. Mrs. Nang shows her meditation techniques. Fern and Harry solve a few issues with Boca Raton. She manages to clear out her nose and he solves his backache problem. Ruby has to undergo a mammogram, but isn't worried about breast cancer due to her age.

1x10 - Fame

March 27, 1996

Chic says he's the one that convinced Andrew Lloyd Webber into making ""The Phantom of the Opera"" but was never thanked for it. Sydney comments on how things changed since the O.J. trial. And that lawyers are the only ones that can charge for their 15 minutes of fame. Kay says she once cashed a check for Pablo Escobar and regrets not taking advantage on his ""if you ever want anyone killed, look me up"" offer – better for Mother. Mrs. Nang says Linda Granger has been in her shop and shows an autographed picture. Linda is flying to LA for pilot season (""for me, everyday is pilot season"", says Trevor in the plane), but loses the part of John Stamos's mother to Marion Ross. She decides her career needs a shake and decides to hire a stalker. But a real stalker starts going after her and they go on a car race across town. When Linda's life is in danger, Rayleen steps in as a stunt for Tracey Ullman, who walks out of the set because ""she's done for the day"".

1x11 - The Best of Tracey Takes On... Season One

April 3, 1996

From ""Romance"": Mrs. Noh Nang Ning's reflections Chris Warner, Midge Dexter lesbian life partner Hope Finch's fantasy about a man at the coffee shop From ""Charity"": Fern Rosenthal's fundraiser party Hope Finch's excessive charity From ""Royalty"": Fern Rosenthal's opinion on real royalty Her Royal Highness visits From ""Family"": Trevor Ayliss's future fatherhood From ""Health"": Ruby Romaine's mammogram From ""Fame"": Kay Clark's encounter with Pablo Escobar Sydney Kross's explanation on how lawyers are now famous Rayleen Gibson calls Tracey Ullman ""that stupid little Brit girl who takes all the parts so no one else gets a crack at 'em"".

Tracey Ullman

Chic, Various

Adele Givens

Hellura

George Segal

Harry Rosenthal

Danny Woodburn

Mitch Gibson

Michael McKean

Barry

Julie Kavner

Jodie Wolf / Midge Dexter

Seymour Cassel

Candy Casino

Michael Tucker

Harry Rosenthal