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Horrors Of Spider Island (1959)
The Schlocky Horror Picture Show - S3 - E13
From the poor black and white photography, horrendous dubbing, low-grade production values, completely idiotic characters, stock footage padding, Z grade monster effects and sheer schlock factor, this movie is seemingly loaded with all the proper ingredients for a true cinematic train wreck. Yet, for some truly inexplicable reason, I find it not only watchable but strangely, and dare I say disturbingly, enthralling as it unfolds.
The Schlocky Horror Picture Show: Season 3 - 13 Episode s
3x1 - The Evil Mind [aka The Clairvoyant] (1934)
March 14, 2008
I know what you're thinking, there just aren't enough great British horror films of the 1930s concerning clairvoyants, right? Well, prepare to be enlightened, as the diminutive but very visible Claude Rains plays a con-artist clairvoyant who gains the power to actually predict the future, yet is unable to prevent it from happening. The Clairvoyant also happens to be the alternate title to tonight's atmospheric classic, The Evil Mind, but you knew I was going to say that, too...
3x2 - Last Woman On Earth (1960)
March 28, 2008
First of all, we’ve got two men among our survivors of the apocalypse, but only one woman. Second, one of those men is married to the woman, but we’ve seen reason to believe that she would honestly prefer to be with the other one at this point. Finally, the two men have also established that their philosophies of life are more or less mutually antithetical. What do you suppose all this might mean for the remainder of the film? You got it! it's a virtual non-stop three-way argument consuming nearly the whole of the remaining running time.
3x3 - Destroy All Planets (1968)
April 4, 2008
Earth is under attack from aliens wearing berets, like French mimes. Okay, so we're being invaded by a bunch of cheese-eating street performers, except these ones don't surrender so easily, who fly around in a spaceship that looks like giant bees in a scrum. Luckily for Earth, there exists a giant flying fire-breathing turtle named Gamera, who also hates performance art. Poor thing, he must get quite dizzy from all that spinning around, but doesn’t seem to affect him more than the freezing vacuum of space. And if you're wondering how he produces all that methane, he has four stomachs...
3x4 - Nightmare Castle (1965)
April 11, 2008
A mad scientist, adultery, ghosts, strange experiments, a dead butler in the bathtub, and a spooky castle. Exciting? You'd think so. Fear will grip your spine when you come to the sick realisation that you're about to sit through another one of those, "I'm going to drive my crazy wife crazy so I can get her money" movies. Console yourself with the fact that Barbara Steele is playing dual roles in this one. Lots of those Italian horror fans who worry about stuff like finding these movies, well, they think she's 'da bomb'. Kids still say that, right? I'm all about watching bombs, so pop the top on another bottle of Absinthe, pack your pipe and prepare for the worst, as we visit...
3x5 - Werewolf Vs The Vampire Woman (1970)
April 18, 2008
Imagine what would happen if a group of twelve-year-olds decided to make their own version of the old Universal monster movies during the 1970s. If you can picture that, then you have a pretty good idea of what The Werewolf Versus The Vampire Woman is like, both conceptually and technically. Consider yourself warned.
3x6 - The Terror (1963)
April 25, 2008
Once upon a time, Roger Corman had horror film legend Boris Karloff for two days and didn't have to vacate a set over a weekend. So, he made a feature film! Actually, he made a mess, wasted Karloff, gave young Jack Nicholson an opportunity to turn in his worst screen performance ever, and puzzled movie audiences for decades.
3x7 - The Killer Shrews (1959)
May 2, 2008
Killer Shrews gives meaning to the phrase Low Budget. The giant shrews are played by dogs in drag when they are not being represented by clumsy puppets, and one could not be blamed for turning up their nose at this movie. If there is a saving grace, it's the short running time. Yes, there's lots of boring talk, but there's also enough monster action to satisfy fans of such schlocky goodness.
3x8 - Carnival Of Souls (1962)
May 9, 2008
Mary goes to Salt Lake City where she has accepted a job as church organist. Where ever she goes, she sees a death-like figure who seems to be pursuing her. She also finds herself being strangely drawn to a deserted dark carnival. The director and lead ghoul Herk Harvey never made another film, making it even more of a cult item.
3x9 - Teenagers From Outer Space (1959)
May 16, 2008
Director starring . Aliens in jump suits want to use Earth as a breeding ground for Gargons, which are yabbies that grow to ginogorous proportions! But the young rebel alien Derek hates this idea and runs away, so Thor is in hot pursuit with a disintegration ray. Thor goes about doing this by asking people to do things for him, asking them a lot of questions, then blasting them.
3x10 - Chiller (1985)
May 30, 2008
'Welcome To The Wooorld Of Tomorrow!' as corporate executive Miles Creighton is cryogenically frozen for ten years until a liver transplant is accepted as a suitable method as reviving him. Unfortunately, according to his priest the mind and body have been reanimated but the soul...well the soul is gone...
3x11 - The Devil Bat (1940)
June 6, 2008
From The Devil Bat onwards, Lugosi’s roles became demeaning self-parodies, until the final indignity of his posthumous appearance in Plan Nine From Outer Space. As it stands, The Devil Bat is a grim forewarning of the rest of Bela’s career. The plot is ridiculous, the so-called special effects somewhat less than special, the acting is universally terrible, and the direction mediocre. Which is not to say The Devil Bat is extremely enjoyable to watch, especially with a few friends late at night.
3x12 - Count Dracula & His Vampire Bride [aka Satanic Rites Of Dracula] (1973)
June 13, 2008
If the plot isn't enough of a hoot, this movie is shot with a dangerous excess of 1970s style. Besides the obvious fashion victims wearing sheepskin vests, Dracula has outfitted his mansion with a mod control room, missing only lava lamps. And speaking of lamps, half of this movie is shot from behind various lighting fixtures.
3x13 - Horrors Of Spider Island (1959)
June 20, 2008
From the poor black and white photography, horrendous dubbing, low-grade production values, completely idiotic characters, stock footage padding, Z grade monster effects and sheer schlock factor, this movie is seemingly loaded with all the proper ingredients for a true cinematic train wreck. Yet, for some truly inexplicable reason, I find it not only watchable but strangely, and dare I say disturbingly, enthralling as it unfolds.